An Open Letter

Dear Dad:

Today marks 15 years since you passed on. During those 15 long years, I have the best of times and the worst of times. I have felt you very close at times. Other times, not so much. I wish that you could have been around in person for some of the major events in my life. But, I know that you were watching from afar. Or not so far, in some cases.

I have spent the last many years wrestling with the emotions that come from losing a father. Anger, sadnesss, frustration, lack of understanding. You name it. For so many years I was so angry that you were taken away from me at such a critical junction in my life. But then I look around and find part of you around every single day of my life. I have finally been able to rationalize in my head that it was time for you to go. You had gone through so much in your life, and you had done all that you were supposed to do.

I miss you so much that I cry myself to sleep sometimes. Oh wait - you already know that. I like to think that I have done a few things right in my life. A few could stand a little improvement. And well, there are some that we just don't talk about. I'm sure that I have let you down on more than one occasion, and then maybe made things a little bit better.

I have so many memories of you Dad. And I cannot seem to get them out of my head right now. So many of them I could never share with any of them because they are so personal. And, some that nobody would believe because they never got the chance to see that side of you. I wish I could have shared all of that with the world.

As I look back, I am so grateful for the time that I had with you. I am so grateful for the amount of time. I know that Lezli struggles with it at times, and I feel spoiled some times. But, I know that she has some good memories also.

I just wanted the entire world to know how much you mean to me, even though you have been gone so long. I hope that you can brag to those in heaven "yep, that's my Slugger."

Love you Dad.

Love,

Slugger

Favorite Photos

I decided that I should put a few photos on my blog. As you can see, or won't see as the case may be, you won't find pictures of any of my students or my own children on my blog. Call me paranoid, but you just can't be too careful these days. At last count I have over a thousand pictures on my computer. Some day I might actually get them into a logical order and post more.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it....

I have a good friend named Chris that loves airplanes as much as I do. One of the things that we do on a regular basis is go out and take pictures of airplanes. Looks like I caught him on my side of the fence :)

Now this is a great picture.....

Well.....I think that this sign says it all. Shadow people are not allowed at Hoover Dam. Period.

Time To Come To Grips

Well, the time has finally come. After a horrendous day in many, many ways, I have finally decided that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. With a little prodding, I have decided to make an appointment with the doctor. A new doctor. One that might actually treat me like a person, not just another chart worth money. I am calling first thing in the morning (well, the afternoon to those of you not familiar with my schedule :) ) and scheduling an appointment. I have been informed that I have until Monday to complete this task.

Some day I figure that I might get better. Perhaps with the right combination of diet, exercise and medication I might start to feel better. It is time. I have felt this way for way too long.

The "Untitled Post"

Just by looking at the time, you can tell it is the middle of the night. Or, in my case, the middle of the afternoon. Shocking - it's Tuesday and I can't sleep. I have my regularly prescribed meds on board and they are not doing a damn thing. So, I decided to update my blog. I have no idea why. I discovered that it has been a ridiculously long time since I have put anything here. Perhaps this is not the best time to add anything to my blog, since my filters that are shut off. Oh well. To hell with everything: here we go.


1. I am so tired of being tired all of the time. It is not fun. I feel like all I ever do is sleep through everything. And, to some extent, it is true. People just don't understand what it is like to live a backward schedule. If you don't understand it, I dare you to do it for a week, and not miss family dinners, events, etc. And you can't be cranky when you get awakened. Oh....what's that I hear? You can't do it? Didn't think so.

3. If I have offended you, get over it. I can't even say that I'm sorry right now. If I haven't offended you yet, give me another two weeks. I'm sure that I can accomodate that without any problem. Just send a meeting request to my iPhone and I'll add it to my calendar.

4. I am not a huge fan of the iPhone. For those of you that really know me, you wouuld know that I have now had an iPhone for about a month or so. I still have my BlackBerry. If I had to choose, I'd keep my Berry. It works so much better for me. To Apple's credit, OS 3.0 has some really nice features. If, of course, you like having new things crammed down your throat until you gag and then having all of your settings jacked up. Go figure. At least my Berry doesn't do that when the OS updates. IT STAYS THE SAME!!!!!!!! HEY APPLE.....TAKE A LESSON FROM R.I.M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. Do you not understand what leave the couch cushions on the couch means? Great! Come over and play with my kids. You will fit in just fine. They just don't get it.



I'm done ranting for now. I'm sure that I will find something else to complain about later. But, I just don't feel like complaining any more. I think that I have said more than enough.

I wish I knew where the time went. 24 hours in a day sound like a lot, until you quickly realize it is time to go to bed and try to sleep. Ferris Bueller said it best.... "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around, you could miss something." I have found that I have been missing quite a bit since I started teaching. It seems that teaching somehow manages to take up all of my free time, all of my spare time, and even some time that I do not have. Fortunately school is over in three months. Then life will be good for a few weeks while I rest up and get ready to go at it again, should I be invited to return to Monticello and teach.

I have discovered that I love teaching! There is no greater feeling than watching a student come in totally confused and then being able to understand the concept. Light bulbs over a student are a magical occurence. I recommend that you try it at least once.

On another note - I spent a wonderful afternoon with my sister yesterday. As we were driving home, we had a great conversation that helped me deal with some of the ghosts that have been haunting me for so many years. I know that I told her how grateful I was for that, but I wanted to put it in print also.

Have you ever.....

Well, there are a ton of things that could be put after that phrase. I wish that there was an easy answer most of the time. Tonight, there is. After a long evening watching snowplows clear off the runways at the airport, I am home in bed. I had to drive with the window down on the way home because I was falling asleep. As soon as I hit the bed, I am wide awake. Go figure...the story of my life. I am so tired of being tired all of the time. It seems that when a person works a graveyard shift, they never get enough sleep. I can vouch for that. On a good day, I get about four hours uninterrupted sleep. Okay, maybe a little more, but that seems to be the average. After being awakened for various reasons (read: the boys), I go back to sleep - sometimes. I wish there was a simple solution, other than sleeping pills that just make you even more tired when you don't get the sleep you need. Alas, if I figure it out, I will be rich. Hmmmm......

Dreaming of a White Christmas? Whatever...

So, once again, second year in a row. I got to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas night at the airport. Tonight has been a night to forget to say the least. The snow started at 7:04 pm. By 7:13 p.m. it was a mess out here. As of about an hour ago, we have received eight (!!!!) inches of snow at the airport. Compared to 16 inches in some locations in the Salt Lake Valley, its not so bad. I was just looking at the traffic cameras, and the roads are a mess, so I'm figuring that I will get home from work by 8:30. Dammit all....again. At least I was at the snow desk tonight and not out on the field. Nice and warm up here......

Tag

Yet another post maliciously stolen from Erin's Blog....

One word tag
Answer using only one word.....

1. Where is your cell phone? Encased
2. Your significant other? Beloved
3. Your hair? Ugly
4. Your Mother? Mom
5. Your Father? Dad
6. Your favorite thing? Sleep
7. Your dream last night? Nightmare
8. Your favorite drink? Dew
9. Your dream/goal? Reconnected
10. The room you're in? Dull
11. Your hobby? Photography
12. You fear? Myself
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Peaceful
14. Where were you last night? Work
15. What you're not? Happy
16. Muffin? Blueberry
17. One of your wish list items? Peace
18. Where you grew up? California
19. The last thing you did? Cried
20. What are you wearing? Shoes
21. Your TV? Old
22. Your pets? Yuppers
23. Your computer? Slow
24. Your life? Chaotic
25. Your mood? Disassociated
26. Missing someone? Terribly
27. Your car? Old
28. Something your not wearing? Sunglasses
29. Your summer? Hot
30. Like someone? Tremendously
31. Your favorite color? Purple
32. When was the last time you laughed? Forgot
33. Last time you cried? Today

Eight Things

So.....I came across this on Erin's blog - it is really giving me cause to think right now.

8 Favorite TV Shows (in no particular order)

1) House
2) Cops
3) NASCAR Races
4) Major League Baseball
5) M*A*S*H*
6) The Biggest Loser
7) Extreme Makeover Home Edition
8) Local News


8 Things I Did Yesterday

1) Called my sister to tell her Happy Birthday
2) Went to a long Staff Meeting
3) Rode the train
4) Cried
5) Slept (not nearly enough)
6) Sang
7) Felt sad
8) Awakened to nightmares several times

8 Things I Look Forward To

1) Sleep without nightmares
2) The Tabernacle Christmas Concerts
3) Feeling better
4) Springtime
5) Time with Erin
6) Being skinny again
7) Regaining control of my life
8) Going on vacation

8 Favorite Restaurants

1) Wendy's
2) Taco Bell
3) Dragon Diner
4) Arby's
5) Cafe Alicia
6) Cafe Rio
7) Cancun Cafe
8) Red Robin

8 Things on my wish list

1) Having the house done
2) Finding the missing camera
3) Photography trip
4) Going back to school
5) Nightmares going away for good
6) Learning to accept me for who I am
7) Being grateful for my family
8) Scuba diving trip to Nicaragua

8 People to Tag

1) Erin
2) Mark
3) Darwin
4) Lol
5) Gary
6) Kirk
7) Hal
8) John

One Very Unrelated Post

So....I have to preface this post with a warning: this post shares some very strong feelings. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, and not so innocent.

Here we go.....................................

My best friend in the world that I am not married to (read: my sister) is sitting at the other computer next to me working on some mandatory training for her employment. The topic of the mandatory training is abuse and domestic violence. In the course of her employment, she gets to deal with victims of these horrible crimes on a regular basis.

I just have to share the following with the world: THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSING A CHILD. It is one think to spank a child for misbehaving. It is another thing to cause permanent bodily injury. With the children, you don't always see the injuries - many of them are in their minds. A child's outlook on life is so pliable, and it is so easy to mess them up. I hate child abuse.

The other thing that I cannot stand is domestic violence. I have watched a very close friend of mine struggle with this issue time and time again. This person is repeatedly damaged by their partner. Unfortunately, it seems to be easier for this person to stay in this relationship rather than leave..

I do not claim to be the perfect spouse in the world. I know that in times past, I have been a horrible partner and a terrible example of what a person should do when it comes to treating their partner. I struggle with a temper every day of my life, along with many other things. Gratefully most days it does not get the best of me.

Taking Responsibility

So I'm done trying to solve everyone else's problems. I have enough that I have to deal with right now. Now, that's not saying that I'm not going to help everyone out still--that is not going to change. I'm only going to take responsibility for what is mine, and to hell with the rest. If it's my fault, then it's my problem. If it's not my fault, then I don't care, I'm not taking ownership or responsibility any more. It simply takes too much energy, and I am about out of reserve energy. I don't remember a time in my life when I felt this tired all the time. It blows....big time.

Rules for Gaveyard Shift Survival

I have had several people ask me how I manage to live this backward life of the graveyard shift. So, I decided to post a few of my rules here, hoping that they may be of benefit to someone on this planet. If you have any additional rules that you think should be added, please comment on this post and I will definitely consider adding them at a later time...........here we go.

#1. The day is not over, and the new day does not begin, until you wake up. e.g. right now by a calendar standard, it is 0300 on Monday morning. However, it is still SUNDAY NIGHT.

#2. The two hour rule: when I come home from work, I get to sleep for a minimum of two hours, uninterrupted. Exceptions: kids have to go to school, house is on fire, one of the kids has a laceration that will require staples or sutures, or the dog has eaten the cat for a midmorning snack.

#3. Perfect the sleeping area. You should have the following: a fan, blackout curtains, a door that closes, earplugs, and plenty of blankets and pillows. The fan will make lots of white noise, which will block out the everyday sounds. Blackout curtains help fool your body into going right to sleep when you get home. A door that closes to keep the kids and animals out of your sleeping area as much as possible. Significant others are permitted at all times.

#4. Earplugs - keeps the kids and animals out of your head.

#5. TURN OFF THE PHONE!!!!!! There is nothing worse than a phone ringing all day long. I am very fortunate in that I have two cell phones. I turn off the ringer on my personal cell phone when I go to bed. I leave my work cell phone on all the time. That way, if there is a problem, the Mrs. has a way to get a hold of me, as does the school if my oldest decides to stuff himself in a gym locker again. If your mom or dad calls, IGNORE IT. Corollary: call them 12 hours later than they call you, especially around 0200. It only takes about once, and it won't happen again.

#6. If you live in an area with a lot of people that come to your door on a regular basis, you may want to try a sign on the front door with something similar to this wording: "One of the residents that lives here works a night shift schedule. Please do not ring the doorbell or knock on the door"

#7. Avoid coffee/caffeine after midnight...there are a ton of studies on this one. Avoid the Cherry Coke at 0300. Walk around your desk or work area instead.

#8. (one of my personal favorites). Get an iPod (or something like it). Load up a CD with music that is relaxing to you, and that will help you right now. Example.....right now, Hoobastank is playing on my iPod as I'm typing this - not the best choice for nappy time. Load up the Norah Jones or the Beethoven, and you are in business.

#9. The most important one....GET A ROUTINE DOWN AND STAY WITH IT. Here is part of mine. When I get home about 0530, Abby (the cat) usually meets me by the front door. I stop and give her a little love after I take off my boots and leave them next to the door. I look into the kids' bedrooms, and then head back to our bedroom. I brush my teeth, and then rub my face with cold water three times, up and down and pat dry with my big fluffy towel. If anything else needs doing while in the bathroom, then do it now. Having a full bladder wake you up just sucks. Change into comfy pajamas and head for bed. Sometimes make a quick email check or update my Facebook status, other times just get under the blankets. I always tap the Mrs. and let her know that I am home and in bed. Sometimes it's just a sleepy okay, other times its a kiss...her call. But I always tell her. The one time that I didn't let her know, I was still sore a week later.

The New Blog is Open

Well....it's done. I have switched over blogging sites. It'll be interesting to see how long it takes before someone notices. I really don't care if they do. That's not my problem. I can only accept responsibility for what is my problem. If I try to solve everyone's problems then I am right back to where I am at this very moment. So.......

Here is a little background. It's 0150 where I am right now. Some of you would say that it is Monday morning. However, it is still Sunday night (rule #1 of the graveyard shift). It is my first day off of my weekend...confused yet? Good!!!! Welcome to my life. Sure, I would like to be in bed right now, laying next to the Mrs., but that' s kinda hard to do when you are wide awake and she is not. Oh yeah.....the joys of days off when the other half of the relationship works opposing shifts.

So yes, this blows. I would love to be asleep right now, but that's impossible, at least for another few minutes, until the medication kicks in. Now that is a topic for another post in and of itself....that could spark a rather interesting debate.